Story of My Life

2012-02-08T15:49:00.012+08:00

Plans. Plans. Plans.
Decisions. Decisions.
#BirthdayGirlProblem

I’ve never really host such “happening” outdoor birthday parties because #1, I’m not very popular and all so I don’t really have 50 crazy friends and #2, I’m actually a very boring person so I like to keep things simple, in place, and most of the time I worry too much about not doing things right so yes, I’m also a perfectionist. Not a good organizer though, but I like to keep things as organized as possible and very detailed. So basically, crazy parties are not the “in-thing” for me. It will never work because my definition of a good time is when things happen according to my itinerary and not others.

So I’m hoping that when I tell the “organizers” what I have in mind, they will somehow be able to adjust their initial plans according to mine, but of course, I won’t take credit for it. Besides, I just want all my friends and family to have a good time with me. I mean, finally, after 2 decades, this could just be the most perfect birthday party ever. Fingers crossed. I can’t wait for the slumber party with the girls! Whoop! Whoop! ^.^

2012-02-07T15:47:00.007+08:00

14.

"I bet you'll be the hardest to forget because not only are you my second favourite person in the world, you give me a reason to feel forever young." ♥

2012-02-03T09:32:00.013+08:00

"People are people and sometimes we change our minds."

How long ago has it been since l last cried my heart out in the bathroom because I didn't want anyone to hear or see me hurt, or because I didn't want my mum to know that she was right about some doofus I was dating and that I was wrong, and because I just can't take anymore shit coming from all the different angles in my daily life? I think everyone sorta figured out that the whole tough cookie exterior is just a front I put on, and that just like every other girl, my soft spot lies there in between these layers and layers of fat waiting to be uncovered. How does it feel to be different from me?

2012-02-02T10:24:00.004+08:00

It’s my birthday month!
Can I get a “Whoop! Whoop!”
And can I get a “Say whaaat?”

2012-01-26T15:17:00.001+08:00

"If a girl understands your crap,
sticks through your mistakes,
smiles even when you've done nothing for her,
it's obvious she's a keeper."

But it's also obvious you don't deserve her.

2012-01-26T10:29:00.021+08:00

"Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me."

Bitch, please.
If you can't save the relationship, at least save your goddamn pride!

Now, scooch over, sore loser!

2012-01-09T10:56:00.009+08:00

No effing way! Seriously? Only $70? What a way to motivate me to work my lazy ass off! I’m not even finished whining about my lousy appraisal! This shit crazy! What kinda pathetic prank are these stingy Dutch people playing on me? Because if that’s how this so-called established company is paying me from now on, then they’re only gonna get what they pay for, period. So here’s to many MCs, urgent leaves, 09:00 and 17:45 for the year of 2012!

2012-01-03T16:34:00.017+08:00

I don't believe in making new year resolutions. Once upon a time, I actually thought new year resolutions were for people who wanted to make a difference in their lives. But then I realized, you don't need to wait until the dawn of a new year to make a change. I mean, that's just silly. Why wait 365 days to come to such a decision when you can do something about your life today or tomorrow? New year resolutions..... So cliche! Well, for me at least. I gave that mindset up a few years ago because I didn't think it made any difference. It was like "all talk, no action" so I decided to just go with the flow. It can't possibly be that bad. In my own words, "Let's try and survive this year. Life's too short to worry about those small little details. Survive and march on."

2011-12-30T12:04:00.020+08:00

Chinese zodiac: Dragon.

Personality
Dragons symbolize such character traits as dominance and ambition. Dragons prefer to live by their own rules and if left on their own, are usually successful. They’re driven, unafraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. They’re passionate in all they do and they do things in grand fashion. Unfortunately, this passion and enthusiasm can leave Dragons feeling exhausted and interestingly, unfulfilled.
While Dragons frequently help others, rarely will they ask for help. Others are attracted to Dragons, especially their colorful personalities, but deep down, Dragons prefer to be alone. Perhaps that is because they’re most successful when working alone. Their preference to be alone can come across as arrogance or conceitedness, but these qualities aren’t applicable. Dragons have tempers that can flare fast!

Relationships
Dragons will give into love, but won’t give up their independence. Because they have quick, sometimes vengeful tempers, their partners need to be tough-skinned. Dragons enjoy others who are intriguing, and when they find the right partners, they’ll usually commit to that person for life.

Earth Dragons – Years 1928 and 1988
More rooted in the ground, Earth Dragons make better decisions because they act more rationally. Earth Dragons are level-headed and able to control their behaviors. They’re more supportive of others, but they prefer being admired by others.

2011-12-29T17:25:00.021+08:00

So stoked for this weekend. Finally, a stay-in New Year celebration with the family & the BFF; something I haven't done for years. Looking forward to having a quiet time away from the crazy crowd in the city. Afterall, family is kinda important, although not always, but when necessary, family will come first. ^.^

I had a few shitty moments this month, especially towards the end, with such a baseless appraisal from the office weirdos, but everything else went pretty well for me throughout this year, and maybe there were some plus and minus moments here and there, but it's almost already 2012, and yeah, I survived all that shit despite all that setbacks. I should be proud of myself. *flicks hair*

My 2012 resolution: To be a better person. Who am I kidding? No, seriously, I just need to fix myself, and maybe, my life too. But at the end of the day, I just wanna survive whatever ordeal. Face it head on and put on my best attitude. Just kidding. Lol. I don't know what's gonna happen. We'll just see how it goes.

Happy new year! Mazeltov!

2011-12-28T10:37:00.009+08:00

People throw rocks at things that shine.
And life makes love look hard.
The stakes are high, the water's rough.
But this love is ours. A.F.

2011-12-08T10:37:00.014+08:00

45 THINGS A GIRL WANT,
BUT WON'T ASK FOR:

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

KEEP READING...
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.
24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!
26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT...
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE'S LOVED.
41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

2011-12-07T14:11:00.016+08:00

“Just an ordinary day”, I told myself.
It's not you. It's me. 13.

2011-11-25T15:19:00.004+08:00

"We’ve been in a relationship for so long, I can’t imagine going through life without you to share its ups and downs. I know you probably don’t trust me at the moment yet, but I will work very hard to regain that trust. Even though it may take a while before you do. I miss spending time with you and all the conversations we had. Will you find it in your heart to please forgive me?" Where did all that go?

2011-11-23T15:12:00.004+08:00

I feel like nobody takes me seriously because they think I'm always happy but it's weird; they dont know what's inside.
I have a big imagination, and I'm actually the opposite of what I seem. Sadness fulfills me all the time. Nobody knows it though.

2011-11-14T15:26:00.002+08:00

2011-11-10T01:11:00.010+08:00

"Mum, get well soon.

I've always been too busy growing up

that I forgot about how you,

on the other hand,

are getting older.

I appreciate you as my saviour,

and also as a mother.

Only maybe I'm not so loud in my actions.

But as much as I dont always agree with you,

you're my mother,

and as much as I hate your compulsive naggings,

I do love you."

2011-11-07T22:20:00.012+08:00

365 days.

I hope you find it; what you're looking for.
I hope it's everything you dreamed your life could be,
and so much more. I love you, shortstuff.

2011-11-05T22:40:00.007+08:00

But you know you can
never make me love you more.
Not anymore.

2011-10-27T09:18:00.014+08:00

Boy: I broke up with her.

His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.

His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well,...for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeves and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But..Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her.

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she..

His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT'S what happened. Now she's broken another guy is already there to heal her heart.

Fuck you, dumbfucked cocky dickheads.

2011-10-25T11:24:00.005+08:00

Confession: I can be a real tough cookie but I'm only human and I can only take in so much discrimination at one go. I try to avoid mirrors but somehow what I see attracts my attention. I know I have a few flaws here and there and a little too much curves everywhere but what is the real issue here, seriously? It really hurts. Like, deep down to the core. Fuck this.

2011-10-07T11:26:00.015+08:00

Lovenote #11:
I'll always cherish the good times in beautiful Bali spent with you and boy, am I glad we finally made it to Bali, just you and I. Well, I have to admit, my 4th trip to Bali was much more meaningful this time; so meaningful, I can't stop missing Bali even after a week of being back home now. I miss waking up and falling asleep next to you, kental. xo

I hate
and love you
more than anything, bodoh.
I'm cool with 11.

2011-10-05T13:00:00.011+08:00

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was:
"This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself:
"How amazing am I ?! "

2011-09-22T15:44:00.014+08:00

All my friends in Kuta say hello!

2011-09-15T16:01:00.007+08:00

Never insecure until I met you. I wish I could tie you up in my shoes and make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you? My outsides look cool. My insides are of different shades of blue. Everytime I think I'm through, it's all because of you. I've tried different ways but it's all the same. At the end of the day, I only have myself to blame.

2011-09-09T16:23:00.003+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb army boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much that it makes me sick,
It even makes me ryhme.

I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate the way you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

2011-09-07T13:17:00.011+08:00

I benci sangat dekat you, budak kecik.
I tak bedek.

2011-08-30T16:44:00.002+08:00

Salam Aidilfitri. Eid Mubarak.

2011-08-24T09:22:00.021+08:00

With you turning 20 today, it marks one year of our friendship. From the first time I saw you, I just couldn’t keep my eyes off you, and on that very night we met, I remember so clearly how I knew you were exactly where I needed you to be; right smack in the middle of my crazy life, and as days passed by, we just got so comfortable with each other’s company that everywhere I go or whichever hangout session I’m invited to, my friends can better expect a plus one. I think I’m gonna have to declare this as the best “lovers and friends” relationship I’ve ever come across and one that I’ve ever experienced in my 23 years of living. Here’s to us; cheers to you and I! Sayang you, sweetest thing that's ever been mine!

I understand you have to be at work on your birthday. I’m not sure how you feel about working till late on your birthday but like how every youth would imagine their birthdays to be, I’m sure they hope to celebrate it with the ones that matter. I hope you don’t feel too disappointed about your “few days late” belated birthday cake and the surprise that comes along with it. It’s nothing much, I have to admit. I’m a little disheartened to tell you that I have nothing fancy up my sleeves planned for you this year. I know dinner and a birthday present sounds a little too cliché but I’ll try to keep it special so you’ll remember it today, tomorrow and always. I hope you don’t mind that it’s just gonna be a simple celebration. I still remember how we spent your 19th birthday last year. It was something I planned days before the night of your birthday and with the help of your friends, I managed to catch you by surprise. I still remember the smile on your face. In fact, I still remember every single detail of that one very special moment and I don’t think I will ever forget it. How I still adore you from then on until now; nothing much has changed since. You're still so fluffy, I’m gonna die!

But hey, we can always arrange a mini post-birthday party for you if you badly want one. All you have to do is say the magic word, and you know how I’ll make ends meet just for you. I don’t promise to give you the best of everything but I promise you the best I will ever do for you. Besides, Bali awaits us in September. We’ll have a ball of a time. Just you and I, the sun, the sand and Bali. Let's try to survive each other!

Let’s face it. Now that you’re 20 cents old and almost a full-grown adult, things are gonna be a little different. Family. Friends. Work. Bills to pay. They all automatically fall into place during this phase in life. That’s life. Just be sure to keep that teen spirit within you and use it only when necessary. You’re a big boy now and this is the time when people change and their lifestyles too but never lose yourself no matter what. Anyone can tell you what is wrong and what is right but in this process of growing up, I’m sure you’ll learn a few things or two on your own without even realizing it. A pat on your shoulder; good luck and all the best! I love you, budak kecik!

Happy birthday, Alif. ♥

2011-08-19T14:15:00.005+08:00

Even if a woman is paid 5 times as much as her man, secures a position much powerful than her man, is much older than her man, it doesn't make her the leader in the relationship, it doesn't give her any reasons to disrespect her man. Unless the man is a jerk.

Women can never lead as good as men.

2011-08-10T15:37:00.007+08:00

I hate that feeling when I feel hungry, but I don’t want any food I see, and I can’t figure out what food I want, and I don’t even think it exists, but then I realize what I want is to see the person I’m missing.

2011-07-24T15:27:00.007+08:00

I love you completely although they say love is blind.

2011-07-15T16:11:00.008+08:00

I might've just made the most uncalled-for decision of the year seconds ago! Mission "HAH! IN MY FACE" finally turned out to be a major success! I guess this is where I celebrate with a few rounds of shots and stringy confetti thrown into the air, no? Urghhh! Fvck my life! See, this is one very good example of what happens whenever I over second-guess myself to the core or over-give-a-damn about something that should've just been pushed aside and forgotten! Why can't I just be a normal person with a normal life? This is why I should never be sober! I should be drunk for the rest of my life until I learn how to act normal! I always beat myself up so bad until I don't even recognize myself anymore! I should probably stay away from myself since I'm actually my own worst enemy! Why do women do silly things and then cry themselves to sleep with hopes of waking up to a much better tomorrow? I mean, is there really even such a thing called better when you've already had the best? Dear Creator of this Earth, please bring me back to the path that leads me to inner peace for I have lost all the sanity and faith left in me! Amin.

2011-07-13T20:25:00.023+08:00

248 DAYS later, and here we are. Along the milky way, we crashed through walls, moved mountains, fought nasty dragons and discovered magic. We had tons of crazyass fun doing almost everything together. I can easily count the dull moments with my ten fingers, but I cannot guarantee that the lively ones which we both shared can ever be measured with measuring tapes. It's funny how sometimes things can just go from the highest point to the lowest in split seconds, but you would always be the best part of my day, period. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel this way. And you are the only one who loves me just like how I've always asked to be loved in return. I'm just glad our paths crossed that night, although that wasn't quite how I imagined I'd meet the one person I'd fall head over heels for. I love you, Alif. I hope we can settle for the impossible. I know nobody said it's gonna be easy but if we hang on to each other, I'm sure that that little effort will go a very long way. I want you to be my chick on the side, my cherry on top, my one in a million and the best thing that's ever been mine. Faith, don't let me down. ♥

2011-06-11T13:08:00.015+08:00

I've been a monster. I've been a bitch. I've been a prick. I've been anything but unpleasant. I've been giving you nothing but hell for the past few months. I'm sorry I couldn't fight it. I had issues with myself that I never knew existed. I wanted to find answers. I wanted to feel safe but I seeked solace in all the wrong places. I did so much wrong and I never realized it until I saw how much I've hurt you. I love you. I hope you know that will never change, not even during the toughest of time. I need you more than I did before. I've grown so attached to you, I just can't imagine what I'd do without you. I know I haven't been loving you the best that I can, but I promise you I will love you for as long as you hold on to me. I hope you read this, and I want you to know that whatever I just said, I meant them with every teardrop that just flowed down my cheeks as I was picturing you while I was typing this lovenote. Like the saying goes, "I love you so much, it hurts." - Efa Lova.

2011-06-09T21:10:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday, Dad. We love you! ♥

2011-06-07T15:06:00.004+08:00

7. Please don't be in love with someone else.

2011-05-20T15:57:00.007+08:00

I like your smile. I like your vibe. I like your style. But that's not why I love you. I like the way you're such a star. But that's not why I love you. I like the way you misbehave when we get wasted and how you keep your cool when I am complicated. But that's not why I love you. I'm not sure you know that the reason I love you is you, being you, just you, that’s the reason I love you. ♥

2011-05-14T12:29:00.012+08:00

Meet the one who never fails to make me...
crazier,
crazier,
crazier.

2011-03-30T11:17:00.011+08:00

Just like a star across my sky, just like an angel off the page, you have appeared to my life, feels like I'll never be the same. Just like a song in my heart, just like oil on my hands, honoured to love you. ♥

2011-03-17T20:30:00.010+08:00

thank you, animals.

2011-02-24T10:20:00.017+08:00

almost 23.
think sexy, woman!

2011-02-09T20:04:00.027+08:00

we spreading some love tonight.

16 days to my "just another one of those mundane days" twenty-third birthday. Well, time flies! And fuck, I'm almost 23! What's on my itinerary? Nothing, nada, zero, zilch! Hoe my god! Nervous wreck! And with your fingers crossed, hoping for something good; like a new car from the parents as a gift for successfully blooming into an adult or preferably a macbook air, obviously, shit happens! Well, shit happens in the form of someone (insert your name here if you're guilty) under some unforeseen circumstances, dropping an atomic bomb on me saying he won't be able to be there on that very evening to have a simple dinner with me, dah buat plan nak main catching dengan babi hutan kat tekong agaknye malam tu. I wish they had some kinda font for sarcasm. You know, I'm not asking to be blown away or expecting something extravagant on that day. I was just exaggerating the whole thing about the car and the laptop. I could really use a quiet dinner with friends. I mean, is that too much to ask for? I don't know how others feel about their birthdays, but to me, I wanna feel appreciated, if not, special, or just feel like I can whip my hair back and forth, because it's my birthday and I do what I want to. I know I should be busy writing down a list of things that I could probably do on my birthday, if not, on the very next day, just like last year when I booked myself a studio apartment and had friends over instead of mengadu nasib mcm lah aku ni anak yang kurang kaseh sayang padehal mak bapak aku give away kaseh sayang mcm charity gitu dekat anak-anak dier, but what's the point? No one understands the way I think. I live in my own world. I construct it in a way that only I can nderstand. I know I'm such a weirdo, and unfortunately, not many people see the beauty in that. I mean, how sad is that? It's like, everyone wants to be so fucken typical and follow strictly by the book that it's a crime to be different from the rest. I'm a weirdo, give me something I can believe in, at least temporarily? No, wait, actually aku tengah angin satu badan so I'm just spitting a lot of bullshit as I type along. I don't know why I'm so affected by this whole stupid thing when it's obvious I never should've tried to plan anything in the first place because all kinds of shit happens especially when you expect them not to. Hoe well. What's new? 'Nuff said. I should probably go to bed and dream of dreamy things which will probably never happen in real life, at least not this year, like, having my boyfriend around on my birthday, you know? I can only dream of that now. I guess, afterall, it's not fair to blame it all on him. Like he said, it's not as if he has a choice but yeah whatever. I don't see a point arguing continuously about it, anyways. I guess right now, I just wanna get it over and done with. I'm tired of dealing with disappointment. Looks like 2011 is the year where I'm better off stuck with wishful thinking and mindless dreaming. PFFT! I ♥ you, Alif.

2011-02-07T11:48:00.030+08:00

3 is a charm , 2 is not the same ,
I don't see the harm , so are you game ?

1.. 2.. 3..

2011-01-27T10:57:00.013+08:00

I want to be with you,
But you're a thousand miles away.
I wish you would call, just to ask about my day.

It would make things so much better if I could hear your voice,
I guess I can't complain too much, it just wasn't your choice.

You were always there for me through the good times and the bad.
You were always there to laugh with me, or to help me when I'm sad.

It's not that I pity you,
But I'll admit your life's been tough,
I just wish that, physically, I could be there when things get rough.

Down at the mall even though we had no money,
Laughing at anything and everything, yet none of it was funny.

You're locked up only a few hours away now, but it seems so far.
I wish I could be down there, where you are.

Now that we're so far apart, I love you even more.
Maybe we both love too much, but hey, that's what friends are for.

Each time they say your name, a tear forms in my eye,
How can I be happy, if all I seem to do is cry?

You weren't supposed to leave me,
This has to be a dream.
I can't accept your absence, and take goodbye for what it means.

You left me lost and broken, I still can't find my way.
Hours have passed real slowly, but it only gets harder every day.

I will never forget you, though we are far apart.
I miss you so much and I love you with all of my heart. ♥

2011-01-09T09:43:00.020+08:00

I miss you, Alif. Wherever you are; as you're reading this. I'm sorry I can't bring you along to Bali this time, although you were sorta kinda part of the whole plan. Needless to say, I'd be more than happy if I could only keep you in my pocket wherever I go. I wanna see you soon. Love you more. I hope you know. ♥

2011-01-04T16:02:00.042+08:00

b a l i
straw hats hippies kuta boys magic mushrooms

2011-01-03T14:39:00.017+08:00

best wishes for

2011

Here we are now;
Everything is about to change.
We face tomorrow as we say goodbye to yesterday.
A chapter ending but the story has only just begun.
A page is turning for everyone.

2010-12-12T18:34:00.014+08:00

...and I know that it's a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now.
...and I thought that I was doing well, but I just want to cry now.
...and I know that it's a wonderful world, from the sky down to the sea.
but I can only see it when you're here with me.

2010-12-10T23:36:00.024+08:00

try to be brave,
'cause i'll be right beside you.
heart, don't fail me now.

"Well, it's good to hear your voice. I hope you're doing fine. And if you ever wonder, I'm lonely here tonight. I'm lost here in this moment, while time keeps slipping by. And if I could have just one wish, I'd wish to have you by my side. I miss you, I need you, and I love you more than I did before." I know he will never believe me if I ever were to say something mushy to his face, let alone show so much emotion because he knows I'm not that type. But since I last saw him, which was 16 hours ago, I haven't been able to stop wondering if he's doing okay, or if he's adapting well to the major changes, or if he's home-sick, or if he ever think of me like how I just can't stop thinking of him, and how tears gather from behind my eyes whenever I do. I miss that kid so much, I don't even feel the whole Zoukout vibe kicking in. I feel nothing. I just feel like a huge part of me is missing. I keep looking at the phone, hoping for a call from him. I miss everything about him and I can't help but feel miserable, like some kinda lovesick crackhead. I need my bestfriend back, pronto! Dear god, I know we haven't been the best of acquaintances, but I know you're listening to my silent prayers, and I hope it's not too much to ask you to spare a few minutes of your time, to watch over that beloved of mine. I don't care if he doesn't have the time to sit down and think happy thoughts, but please just make sure he's in good hands and bless the path he takes each and every single day. I mean, at the end of the day, it still kills me to see him go after all these while. I just want us to be stuck in a second forever. Just you and I. Well, it'd be a bonus if god can arrange that for us when he's back. manis, rindu kau bodo! cepat balik, boleh tak? i taknak tiesto ke, laidback luke ke, david guetta ke, i taknak semue tu. i nak u jugak, manis. i rindu u. 13 more torturing days to go... FML!

p.s, sappy love songs ain't the same without you.

2010-11-17T19:54:00.001+08:00

2010-11-14T20:40:00.015+08:00

Distance finally took its toll on us, but on you the most. Well, since you feel as though we ain't running with it, I guess, the only alternative left which makes complete sense is that we should just run from it. I've always known your faith in us was gonna run on empty, one way or another. Whatever it is, the way everyone sees it, you were the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But in my eyes, you was worth the scars you left behind. Sadly, for someone who thinks he is smart, you're just not smart enough to understand something like that. I guess, I'll just see you on the other side, kid. For what it's worth, I'm gonna have to learn to let it go, sooner or later, even if it kills me to know that whatever's making you happy is only making me sadder. I might never, in this life, find another asshole like you, not even replace you, even if I wanted to. Just so you know, you'll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind. Houden van. Herewith a farewell email from the female. Goodbye, lover. I'm gonna miss you, truly. I gotta leave now. Love has other plans for me. I wish it was you but, maybe in another life. ♥ xo

2010-11-02T10:14:00.003+08:00

i wanted some time, and now i wonder if i was wrong.
someone, save me.

2010-10-30T17:23:00.009+08:00

if it was just a game,
then i like the way that we played.
love lost. love was never found.

2010-10-21T21:50:00.009+08:00

Remember those walls I built? Well, now they're tumbling down. Remember those nights we stayed up talking? Well, now they're just cold winter nights. Remember those days I said I'd never give up on you? Well, now I've lost all hopes. Remember those promises made? Well, now it's clear to me you never meant them. Remember those words you said before you left? Well, now you're gone and you're never coming back. Remember those words I said? Well, now you're never gonna hear them again. Remember those memories we made? Well, now they're just some old memories deleted. A wasted young heart.

You know what we had? I call it love. You call it a game.

2010-10-15T12:52:00.024+08:00

alif firdaus.
feels like i'm living a teenage dream.

2010-10-03T09:09:00.012+08:00

when all the songs are over and all the words' been said,
the sun grows dim across the sky and the world prepares for bed.
i shall take a moment now to view the sky above,
and whisper god a simple prayer to thank him for your love.

A moment where nothing else matters, And a chance to be free. All the rest fades away, And it's just you and me. Let us learn from each other, We can help each other grow. And let us always be there for one another, At times we are feeling low. When your heart skips, I can feel it. When its sad, mine is too. And if it ever feels empty and alone, Always know that I am here for you. May we always be able to put a smile on each others' face, And a twinkle in our eyes. And let us never forget all the good times, Like watching shooting stars fall from the skies. Life is kind of like an ocean. You can see how it starts, but not the way it ends. So let's just take things as they come to us, And be happy we're both lovers and friends. ♥

2010-09-22T11:26:00.016+08:00

mkop, whosgoing?
someone.got.so.avalon.wasted.that.night

2010-09-20T11:28:00.007+08:00

the best thing that's ever been mine.

2010-09-16T21:19:00.012+08:00

Keep your feet on the ground,
when your head's in the clouds.

...because those yesterday's feelings are now circling me like a vulture, ...because i'm only human and although in all my spite, i said i'd turn it off, someday, my feelings will show, ...because no one really ever said that love is easy but nobody ever said it was gonna be that hard either, ...because even if it doesn't kick like a pill anymore, we still wanna feel something, ...because saying "I Love You" gives me a thrill at the end of every fight and then it makes everything alright. fuck love. i'm tired of trying. contradicting, much? sometimes the greatest love stories don't have a happy ending. bleargh.

2010-09-09T21:42:00.007+08:00

besok hari raya already, family and friends.
let's celebrate lah, jom!

2010-08-30T20:14:00.010+08:00

i am moody and messy.
i get restless and it's senseless.
how you never seem to care.

when i'm angry you listen.
you make me happy like it's your mission.
and you won't stop till i'm there.

2010-08-22T17:26:00.005+08:00

`imma steal your love and leave.

Cupid is one helluva stupid. Fate works in mysterious ways. I think God might just be crazy. Human beings are weird. Feelings are fucken overated. I thought I've finally got rid of all of my yesterday's feelings but I thought wrong. Crap! I'm not even done with the last one, and now I'm already on to the next. Don't we get a break from dealing with feelings? I kinda miss the emptiness which filled me up at that moment, although I admit sometimes I do get a little lonely, but things were so much more easier that way. I could understand and accept more things with an open mind, and I didn't have to worry a thing at all about getting jealous, or angry, or disappointed or paranoid because I only needed to keep myself happy and that was all that matters. Sometimes, when you shut yourself off from your surroundings, you tend to feel more contented with what you have in life even if what you have never used to be enough. I could really use that attitude right now because I'm trippin and once bawah aku dah gatal, nanti yg susah aku jugak and I think love is just a waste of our lives. Why can't we channel all that feelings into saving the world and making it a better place instead?

Kid, you stealing my shine! Bitch.

2010-08-08T15:26:00.006+08:00

what lies in this dark heart waiting.
dearest blue eyes, i still love you but my heart's taken.

2010-08-01T15:41:00.013+08:00

now i'm in love, and i'm terrified.

Strange feelings are starting to develop, causing my mind to be in a turmoil so hasty that I always find myself struggling with my nasty bitchfits. Well, those strange feelings include: upset, agitated, irritated, pissed, angry, mad, disappointed, confused, insecure, paranoid and most definitely empty. I was hoping it was just PMS but until now, I'm not getting anything yet so I doubt that's the case, or maybe I'm just tired and probably exhausted from trying so hard to be good enough for that one person who expects you to always give him something more when in actual fact, you know for certain that you've gone beyond your own limits to do possibly everything you can, just to keep him happy. I mean, after all, I'm only human. I have two hands, two legs and one heart, with feelings bursting at the seams. I can't blame God for blessing me with feelings (mostly pleasant) so rich, I keep giving it all away hoping it would make my world a better place for me but no such luck. I'd rather blame God for not hooking me up with a person (preferably a man with blue eyes, a sexy dutch accent but not so gorgeous, otherwise someone useful and considerate) who really knows how to appreciate the good things in life and not just take it for granted simply because he knows I'll always be there at the end of the day, no matter what. So, what say you, merciful God? My patience is wearing thin that it's just not funny anymore and I've been feeling a little delusional lately, so I could really use some huge ass hocus pocus, which also means, I'm desperate for something bigger than love.

I met someone a couple of weeks ago and for the first time in a very long time, I wish I was wasted when we met that night (but Dash Berlin was too good to miss, hence I stayed sober) so I don't have to go through the agony of always wanting to see more of him each and everytime I know he's gonna show up at this party or that party. But then, I don't get it. I know how I keep saying I can't help but steal glances whenever he's not looking but when he looks back at me, I shy away like a small kid or I just smile sheepishly as though I'm sixteen and it's my first time having a huge crush on some guy. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm behaving like a virgin. Nak cakap bawah gatal, tak lah gatal sangat. Nak cakap mentel, sikit je lah. I wish I was lying but I swear I have no control over the way I react whenever I see him from a distance, especially when he's standing there acting like he's cooler than me. It's like I wanna hide my face but leave little gaps in between my fingers just enough to peek at him. Well, yang manis/young money sure got me feeling like a kid again - when things were less complicated and money wasn't that bad of an issue but I'm not a kid anymore and I need to set my thinking straight. I feel like a cougar. I should probably stick to dating guys who are of my age or older by a few years but at the same time steer clear from the ones who are taken because it isn't even worth all the trouble to begin with. Been there, done that. Don't wish to undo and then do it again.

Rejection's like an ice cold bath in the middle of freezing winter. Crossing signs are like directions pointing towards Heartbreak Boulevard and if you're dumb enough, you might just land right under the signboard without even noticing. Sometimes, it doesn't have to take more than crossing signs or ice cold rejections to make you realize that you were indeed the one who made your own bed and who else, if not you, should be laying in it. Besides, karma is probably the most meanest bitch alive and I've been kicked to my witt's end once so I'm definitely not gonna mess with the ugly again. I'm not sure if it's actually easier said than done but at least I know I should always question every single statement that comes out of a guy's mouth (not out loud, obviously) because men are all the same; copy&paste bunch! In my defense, I think at the end of the day, it pays off well to be just slightly and appropriately on the paranoid or judgemental side because we can never be too sure when a guy is actually on shitalking mode. They all talk the same. If there's one thing different, it's in the sizes. I'm sure I have a bunch of supporters behind me on that one. My intention is not to sound like a sexist but with shitalkers, dickheads, sweetalkermotherfuckers running around and on the loose, they kinda don't deserve to argue with the "men are all the same" saying because all the good men have died in WW2 and they're now in heaven, probably ashamed of what the men nowadays have become. Women are all the same, but most definitely in a good way. I can name a million ways but there's only one thing every good girl wants. Guys just wanna get in our pants while we just want they're popsicles to remain in ours and ours only, for as long as it lasts, and by that I mean, forever, although forever seems so faraway. Agree, much? If only life was that simple.

2010-07-10T14:04:00.015+08:00

god only knows how much I'd love you,
if you let me

Got a call from my favourite hard candy with a surprise center, whom I believe has secretly turned into a Russian mafia by now, last week and, my god, it was really good to hear his voice after so long. "With Rrremco." Haha. Just how much I've missed that now. I think the last time we actually had a decent conversation was back in June when it was all hugs and kisses and rainbows and butterflies, but now it's all hurricane katrinas and tornados and hardcore bitchfits and heartaches. We barely see each other due to time difference and also, with all due respect, confidential secrecy of this whole sort of kind of an almost-relationship. Well, to be honest, I don't even what we have at the moment. We're definitely dating, for sure. I mean, he declared that, so it's safe to say, for now at least. Also we promised each other not to speak of love until both of us are ready (I am!) to take a huge step, so it's definitely not a relationship we're having now. Whatever it is, until he lays his weapon down, there is no saying for sure, of what is going on between us at the moment. Only time will tell, and how I wish time can tell me something now so I know what to do, what to expect because I've let my guard down for too long and I'm already living comfortably walking around with an opened heart and I'm not really ready for another major heartbreak. I've paid my dues cent by cent, for fuck's sake. I definitely deserve some kinda lovin' here tonight. What say you, God?

Ik mis je, Rem. Kom snel naar huis, Rem. I think it means please come home soon. At least according to my Dutch phrasebook, that's what it says. I hope he's still dropping by to see me in August, like he promised he would, for a week or two and then maybe go somewhere together because I could really use a short getaway and at the same time just spend as much time with him before he goes back to Russia for another friggin six weeks, and before more bitchfits start kicking in. Can you believe the way life works? Ridiculous. My heart is so broken even when no one is here to break it. Instead, it is life that breaks me apart. So torn inside. I don't understand how a four-letter word can cut you like a fuckin knife. The fuck, love itself is just so twistedly confusing, so dumbfuckingly complicated, and sometimes so physically consuming! Bleargh.

2010-07-04T14:54:00.006+08:00

We love Dash Berlin!

2010-06-20T17:26:00.007+08:00

now is a gift,
that's why it's called the present.

Someone is already leaving me tomorrow and flying off to Russia for 6 friggin weeks, and with a time difference of 3 hours ahead of local time. I wonder how things will work out in the weeks to come. I thank god for Skype but I still don't know what lies ahead. People change and all sort of shit happens, especially when you've programmed your mind, body and soul to live so comfortably in the moment until it hits you like a sucker punch in the rib. Normally, when you let your guard down for just one second, everything hits you from all direction. What sucks is when you're unprepared for the worse. I know that only because I've lived every second of my life letting my guard down. Kill me!

Don't even remind me that it's almost Monday in a few hours, it makes me sick to the stomach. I just wanna sit home all day and watch tv and read a book and Skype with Rem until I can't keep my eyes open anymore but apparently, everyone has a life they need to live. My life all around involves being a sucker for a pretty face like him while his involves anything under the sun, you name it, he's onto it like a tiger prowling on its prey. I can't blame a typical young Dutch guy, can I, for only trying to live a normal life on a daily basis? In the words of Hayley Williams of Paramore: "That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa!" Thank you, Hayley, for the I-told-you-so song.

I mean, what's the worse thing that could happen? He found himself a better looking blonde/skank. I don't blame him. I mean, in my defense, all these blonde people are just so typical, and no way I'm gonna take that back at given day. I might not be a hot blonde or a witty brunette, but I got juice and I can only take bullshit up to a certain level, 149cm to be accurate. If anything gets beyond that, I'm not gonna stand and tolerate it. Best if to just brush it off, and walk away! If it keeps coming, keep on walking. Yes, this applies to anyone or anything that I will not stand up for. Not even Remmie! On second thoughts, Rem is my only exception, as much as I can't stand being put off by him all the time. Dier memang besar punye pukimak, sumpah tak tipu! But in life, you gotta start somewhere. Unfortunately, mine starts with him. I know right. My life is so over the moment I said that. Word. Oh well. Life's a huge blown-off dick! I'mma just fuck it, I guess. Why not!

p.s, Ik mis je, Rem. Ik heb je nodig! xxo

2010-06-19T17:25:00.014+08:00

you shine a light that ignites in me
and you're the only one right now who can save me
i friggin miss you truckloads of kisses, Rem.

2010-06-13T21:12:00.007+08:00

Remmie is coming back from France in 48 hours, like finally! Excited much! I haven't seen him for a week now since he left for that silly 24 Heures Du Mans race in France! What is it with boys and cars and soccer/football and hookers? Godverdomme! Looking forward to have him back! Well, back in Holland, I meant, not Singapore! I wish. But nope. That will have to wait til September, I hope, I mean, if all goes well of course, or if he's still that into me, or so he claimed. My so called boyfriend yang sumpah tak menjadi has got to come back home soon, otherwise I'll turn into a deprived lovesick crackhead. I swear there was this one time, I realized that I was standing in front of the mirror, talking myself into believing that he really is that into me since he's constantly telling me that he wants to be with me whenever he has the chance and wants us to move in together one day yadayadayada. Siape pulak yg macam faham ni sekarang? Hahaha! When I actually snapped out of that whole delusion bubble, I got so mad at myself that I ended up having a bitchfit with my own reflection in the mirror for being so silly, thinking that dreams do come true! Facking hell! Twentytwo years and so many heartbreaks later, how can I still believe in such things? How can? This is almost too good to be true, bodoh. Pfft. He's a Dutch bloke and I'm just a silly girl with dreams bigger than my head. One word: MISTAKE! But I do, like him alot, really. I mean, if I had to give everything up just to be with him today or tomorrow, believe me, I would, although I know I might just end up bitter-sour. Ik mis je, Rem!

2010-06-04T23:19:00.007+08:00

Mental note: People change. Believe it or not.

Reality finally cuts through. I finally got over the Bali madness, I think. I can't believe that it took me two friggin weeks to stop talking so much about Bali. No joke! It's like a hangover that just doesn't wanna go away no matter what. Even now, as I look at the pictures from Bali, I feel a rush of adrenaline filling up my body. It's like I'm obsessed with everything that reminds me of Bali. It drives me crazy insane! I seriously think I left my heart somewhere in Bali. I think I left it by the beach or maybe in some souvenier shop I walked into. Shite! I guess I have to go back to Bali to search for it. Or maybe I"m just making excuses to go back to Bali. Whatever. I just love Bali so much. The memories are glued to me like some permanent glue that just won't wear off. I guess I would not mind it all that much. I mean, seriously, Bali was like the highest peak in my life! I get so high just reminiscing about Bali. See what I mean? Bali. Bali. Bali. I love Bali! Fullstop.

So, it's been almost two weeks since Bali and since I last actually had any physical body contact, and by that I don't mean kinky or great sex! I meant, a warm, friendly hug. A decent kiss on the cheek. A hand, and a man's hand preferably, to hold. OMFG, WHAT AN EMO FUCK! I hope the lack of sexytime isn't the cause of this whole mental breakdown. Anyways, I've sincerely missed Pops since the very last time I had him which was those seven awesome days in Bali and that was two friggin week ago. Yeah sure, thank god for technology but still, nothing is more personal than a human touch, right? I'm not just talking about some random human touch. I mean, anyone can just touch anyone but not everyone who touches you gives you that familiar chill, so cold, it literally ties a knot in your stomach. I'm not sure how it works for everyone else but I do know that if that feeling takes over my whole body, I can only hope that I won't get my heart broken again. I sure as hell want this whole long distance relationship (Or is it not? I don't know yet what it's called as I didn't wanna discuss it over MSN because it is so impersonal, pfft! But we are working on it, or least I'm still trying to digest this whole thing!) to work out for as long as until the next time I see him, which is in mid September. Ridiculous, I know!

He's leaving for France next week for a couple of days! I know right! Bitch. Between you, my avid readers, and me, I don't know what the fuck is going on between us. I swear. Part of me wants to believe that he is, in fact, FINALLY giving in to me. Yet, the other part of me just can't bring myself to forgive him for breaking my heart so many times before and they say that a cheater is always a cheater so, yeah. I am so torn apart. Everytime we start talking about relationship, I just don't have anything nice to say or if I may, I normally just avoid the topic as I really don't wanna bet on it. Not this time! People change and shit happens so, for now, I'll just take a day at a time and just take it as it comes. If shit happens, well, shit happens. No point crying over that shit! I mean, there is always another shit waiting to land on your face so... You get my point.

Work-wise, I don't even wanna brag about it because if I could make a movie out of it, it would be a dramatic one and definitely alot of FUCK YOUs and KNNs and WTFs. So, I'm not gonna start. I work five days a week and I have so much going on, I don't think talking about it would get me an increment in my salary. Just bitchfits! I get it everyday from dealing with hooligans who just don't simply know how to talk over the phone, instead, they shout like mad people! Like, hello? WTF! I swear to god, everyday I wish for something good to come out of all these fucked up situations but unfortunately God's mind works in mysterious ways so, may God bless me and all the broken roads and major meltdowns I've had to go through. Please god. Save me. By that, I don't mean take my life. Not yet. I meant, reward me with something nice or a good boyfriend who would wanna marry me after a few years and then make beautiful babies with me and, of course, a blissful road ahead for the many years to come! Peace & love.

p.s, I am dangerously in love with you, Rem.

2010-05-25T19:38:00.009+08:00

and now i miss you more
than anything else in the world.

2010-05-13T19:41:00.008+08:00

"i am alive" comes with the tragic.
Bali, baby. Bali.

2010-05-08T19:41:00.007+08:00

Dear Pops,

I trust everything is okay with you in Korea, especially the weather and not forgetting the girls. But as much as I'm (not that much!) happy for you, I just want you to come home to me. Fast. It's been 48 hours since I last saw you and I'm already missing those beautiful blue eyes of yours and everything else about you although you can really be quite a pain in the ass sometimes. I still can't stop thinking about you since that night and everytime I do, I can't help but breakdown and cry. I know I told you I can make it work; the distance and the days being without you. I guess I never really thought it through when I said that because behind every smile I faked while I was telling you that I'll do just fine on my own, I didn't want you to see a girl who is broken. I didn't want you to think that you got the best of me when in reality, it's crystal clear that you've already chased away all the sanity left in me. And that, my dear, is how madly in love with you I've always been since day one. I don't care if all this love-hate relationship that's going on between us is just a game to you and a one-sided affair for me. Honestly, I'm just glad I got to have you this once. Thank you for everything, be it bad or good. I just love you, so bad it kills me to not be able to tell you that in your face, but it's something I have to live with every single day and for you, I gladly will because I don't ever wanna ruin my chances to be with you again. Someday. Even if that day will never come, I will find it in my heart to always treasure and cherish you. (:

xo eva

I can't believe I'm spending yet another Saturday at home instead of going out and just for tonight, go out and forget about the things I've been worried about. It still pisses me off that my trip to Bintan had to be cancelled due to some foreseen circumstances but hey, I gotta deal with it like a woman. Shit happens all the time. Let's just say that by now, at the age of twentytwo, I've had a fair share of major disappointments in my life that I've kinda learnt how to just shake it off. I'm so totally immune to all the letdowns, and taking all sorts of bullshit to the face all the time has only made me grow friggin' tired of dealing with it. It's like I just don't even wanna deal with it anymore til sometimes I just shut myself out for a few days, cry it out for a few hours and then go to sleep laughing like it's my lullaby and wake up the next day thankful to God for letting me live another day to go through the mean cycle all over again. Thanks, God. It has only made me realize that I can always switch to numb mode and get on with life, watching my back, all at the same time. Words that I live by: Pick yourself up, together with the pieces of your broken heart, and just move along, even if the one you really hate to see leave you the most has to leave for Russia or somewhere else in a couple of weeks or forever. I mean, seriously, this is the life we are born to live with. No matter what we make out of it, life will always be ahead of us. Life is bigger than us, obviously. Life is nothing but a mthrfckn knife! How can? Pfft -__-''

2010-04-28T20:49:00.011+08:00

so here's goodbye to you, beautiful. this is goodbye to everything i thought i knew. you were the one i never thought i'd fall in love with. the one thing that i've always hold on to but could never belong to. counting the days that pass me by. tears form behind my eyes, but i try my hardest not to cry. and it hurts to want everything when you know you can't have it all. so when the stars fall every night, i will lie awake. for you will always be my shooting star, i promise. but for now, this is the most tragic goodbye. but i will love you even when you're miles away. even if love is a tragedy. ik hou van je, always. [insert very sad face here]

2010-04-24T17:12:00.009+08:00

i love you, i promise.
for you are the only exception.

2010-04-17T23:55:00.012+08:00

Even as you like to make fun of the way my lips pout when I sleep.
Even as I woke up to only a note that you stole this shot.
Even as we never quite get to say goede morgen.

Dear Pops,

Well, ok. I understand that you're leaving in 3 weeks (pfft!) and I'm totally alright with that because somehow or rather you seriously gotta get the fuck out of my life, and even with that on the line, you actually chose to ditch me for the second time this week! Hey, it's cool. I mean you're a shit talker so things like this happen very often in your life and you don't even care how it affects others. What the f, you clearly came up with all the plans earlier in the afternoon today which I thought was perfect, that we would spend the evening cooking dinner together and then watch movies until late in the night over cheap wine but you stood me up, again! Well, like I always say: I'm only human. I can take BS up to a certain level and if you push me way too far, you're definitely waking up the Avril Lavigne in me! On my part, I should start drilling this into my thick skull before I get too ahead of everything: Hoping is only for the hopeless! You're not hopeless so stop hoping around! But as for on your part, you should be smart enough to gather a few things or two about me from all my hate texts otherwise, you're gonna see it via front row how nasty I can get when provoked. What always seems to beat the friggin' shit out of me is that I still come to look for you and seek the feeling of togetherness from you after all the BS that you put me through! Why? Simple. Because, as stupid as I know this is gonna sound, I've been in love with you but I will not let it get ahead of me this time. I'm just in love with what we are, and not what we should be. So while you're here, Iet's just make this last.

xo, i'm not your one minute bitch but i'm your biggest fan.

2010-04-11T21:43:00.014+08:00

FML, sometimes I feel so downright effing broken whenever I come home from a long day at work, and my hp doesn't ring. Not even a text msg. Not even a sign that someone out there is waiting on me, and suddenly I feel so unwanted for no reason. I feel so pathetic just aimlessly waiting on something magical, something of a "wow" factor to happen to my life that would really knock me off my feet and take me to another planet though I know that sounds kinda ridiculous! Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? That Taylor Swift's "Today Was A Fairytale" would be the story of my life someday, like seriously? Well, let's straighten out some things just so we're clear that I'm still sane and that I can still think like a normal human being. #1, Life is not a fairytale and there is no such thing as magic in the air. #2, Time still ticks the same whether or not your Prince Charming is around and anything you hear about time slowing down whenever he's around is just pure bullshit. #3, Taylor Swift is a great singer songwriter but I think sometimes she's just writing all those songs to make it rhyme when actually it doesn't make much sense at all. No offense.

"Little girl, everything will be ok", said Pops. Right. My foot! Like, hell, it's been almost a year and counting, and it's not ok at all because I keep stumbling upon someone else's trash and if that's not bad enough, then I'm always stuck with some scumbag who seeks pleasure in someone's pain! Now where the fuck is my treasure so I can go trash it and let someone else stumble upon it! Like, seriously I'm tired of being treated like I can mend my own heart when he leaves or like I'll be ok with or without him because I can have another you in a minute. Screw that bullshit! No, it's not ok if your heart gets broken every week by the same person but you still want him back after all that he's put you through. Or better still, imagine being told to your face by the one guy you really wanna be with that he still wants to fix things with his girlfriend. Well, ok I respect that "never give up" attitude but let me make thing clear: If I'm not someone than I'd rather be a no one and if I had some kinda superpower which allows me to kill someone with my brain, I will kill every guy who gets stuck in my head. You know what? Fuck this! Nothing ends on a good note. I'm still single and it's cool.

By the way,

Happy birthday, Mum!
Love you more! xo

2010-04-06T11:24:00.010+08:00

(cont'd from post 2 April, 0206am) ... is a mthrfckn scumbag.

2010-04-04T16:19:00.010+08:00

Dear Pops,

I loved you so much but, my God, you're making my patience run thin. So thin I don't even know what thin means to me anymore. I've always been there for you whenever you needed me and I never once gave in to any of my selfish thoughts even if those thoughts were the only thing that could've saved me from your cruel hands. I hope you miss me til the day you die because if there is one girl in this world who would've given you her everything and never ask for anything back in return, not even a tiny piece of your heart, well, she no longer exists. I know I won't be able to resist you once you use your stupid little charm on me but at least now I know what I deserve, and even if I were to fall for you again this time round, I know just when to get back up when it knocks me down. For once, I just wanna care about myself and not what you expect from me. You know what they say, great things don't just come knocking on your door but when it does, grab it. Well, unfortunately, you don't know what great things are and the only thing your hands are good at is touching girls where you should never have unless you're really serious about them, but oh, I forgot. What do you and the rest of the bunch of dickheads know about respect? Nuts, I think. I'm gonna start concentrating on what I deserve most other than you. Well, we had our fun while it lasted. Now, I'm out to find my own kinda fun because the fun we were about to have... let's just put it this way; It's almost getting old and boring and we were never meant to look good together. Let's face the music. I gotta go and so do you in a few weeks time.

xo, your most faithful toyfriend

I cried so many nights. I wondered where I went wrong. I wanted to do more. But then it hit me. I did so much, and I can only do so much but if someone simply doesn't know how to appreciate my efforts and the energy I put into it, I might as well just direct all that energy to someone else who could probably use some good karma. Well, ok. I know the same shit's gonna happen to me again, somehow. It's like this: Same shit, different guy. Love is pain. Not gain. But you know, we might fail but that doesn't mean we should just quit just because things aren't in our favour. Well, eventually we some will surrender and give up to fate and stop trying. I mean, for real. We're only human. We can only take bullshit up to a certain level and someday, when we've reached that level, we will eventually learn to throw all the excess baggage that we don't need. We all deserve to be happy with our lives, and for us to achieve that, we gotta know what we want... and be realistic. Love is not everything!
But for now, Fir is like my everything. For now, I said.

2010-04-02T02:06:00.005+08:00

Fir.

2010-03-29T20:45:00.007+08:00

today was a fairytale. awak, i realized today was the first time we actually flirted with our eyes. like, finally lah awak. i didn't know i could be so mentel. actually i do. hahaha. and the same goes to you. do you know how happy i was when i saw you this morning, awak? let's just say my hands were shaking, my heart was beating so fast i could hardly catch my breath, and you know i almost cried. and i was freaking out like crazy. all because i caught you looking at me the same time i was looking at you. but awak, why do we only smile when we see each other? we only exchanged a few hello and goodbye. are you really that shy, awak? or do you have a girlfriend? please say you don't have one right now, awak. if you don't, we can keep flirting with our eyes like this. you don't have to say a word to me, awak. you just have to dropby everyday and smile at me like you did today. but of course one of these days someone has to say something other than hello. awak, you know what would be great? if you could just ask me for my name even though i think you already know by now that i go by the name of Ifah. or you know what would be a much better idea, awak? why don't you ask me out, we could just hangout and get to know each other? obviously, you will have to ask me for my number prior to that. don't worry, i won't play hard to get. you know you've got me trippin' on you big time. hahaha! awak, i'm waiting k. faster ask me for my number. oh and by the way, i like the star tattoo on the back of your neck. i love stars too. i love it so much i draw at least 5 stars a day no matter how busy i am with work. you see, awak. we already share something in common and that is that we like stars. hahaha, how cheesy! awak, i do hope to see you again sometime this week. make sure you don't only smile k. you can ask me anything. i'm all yours. i mean, my time is all yours if you wanna talk to me. awak, you're kinda cute. i know i'm very mentel but even so, i only mentel with you what. stupid. (:

2010-03-29T20:24:00.008+08:00

i moved too fast. i loved too much.
i'm sick of all the insincere.
i am alright.

2010-03-28T02:34:00.006+08:00

happy birthday, beautiful blue eyes.
ik denk continu aan je.
ik mis je more. xo
@remmie

2010-03-22T11:28:00.003+08:00

Current mood: Bitchfit-ing!

Like, omg seriously. I think it's bad enough that my head is throbbing like crazy since morning, and now I have to deal with some shit talker who just won't stop complaining about how fucked up her life is? Come on, she can't be serious! Who the fuck cares what kinda shit happened to her over the weekend. I know I don't and I know that if she continues making so much noise about her troubled slash pathetic life, my eardrums will explode! Someone please shove an arm down her throat so she'd just shut the hell up for good, please. Orang kalau dah terlalu pandai sangat mcm ni uh, tak tahu biler nak diam! Crap, why do I feel so lousy right now to the extent that I just wanna go home and cry? Nothing is on my side. But then again, nothing really ever has. I know they say life is full of ups and downs. But more so of the latter, I have to say. I need a smoke break!

2010-03-21T20:54:00.003+08:00

am on hiatus due to a major meltdown.
not ok. need a break.

2010-03-07T20:46:00.003+08:00

LD,
he's like an Indian summer in the middle of a winter.
like a hard candy with a surprise center.
but how do I get better once I've had the best?

2010-02-18T19:07:00.007+08:00

where'd you go, i miss you so,
seems like it's been forever that you've been gone.

2010-02-14T15:52:00.008+08:00

with love: LD.

I have no problem whatsoever with being downright dateless this Valentine's but I sure as hell have a hard time accepting the fact that I can never have him, not in this life and not ever. As much as I wish I could work on that and make shit happen my way by doing everything possible to make him want me, it's pretty obvious that all my effort will eventually just go to waste. I hate it when I spend so much time just waiting on the world to change. Fact is, it's never going to change. Not until a century and a half later, I think, or even when I've become so lesbian until I forget how it feels like to even be around men and get all aroused by their biceps and muscles and all that physical attraction. Of course, I wouldn't hope for that. I don't need a man, but I want one. Just to have and to hold. What happens next, I don't wanna know because I don't wanna come up with a plan to make plans anymore. They always get busted!

But why the heck my luck's been so lousy lately has been bothering the shit out of me. I don't think it's my size. As a matter of fact, I have quite a huge pair of bosoms to begin with and don't even think I enjoy flaunting it to all those jerks lying around just waiting to get lucky! Did some reality checks the past couple of days just sitting at home and I think for a person who's got her heart broken time and time again, I'm quite ok. Maybe a few flaws here and there but I can get rid of that, no sweat. Only maybe sometimes I talk too much and just don't know when to shut up and sometimes can't even draw the line between secrets and the awful truth. I think I'm too naive. Like hello, I didn't ask to be naive. It's been this way since god knows when. I've tried to adapt to a different kind of approach to all kinds of situations but I can only fake it for a few hours and then little miss sunshiny me will just surface beneath all that fake firm exterior. I don't like to think that I was born to quit but sometimes, I just feel like I should just take a chance and move along.

I'm sure God decided not to drop-kick me somewhere nice because he knew I would turn out to be a skank and lose my religion. Trust me, I've been trying to fight my demons but it's not as easy as it sounds and I am doing all this because I want things to change for my own good and for people to see that I am capable of being celibate too and really for once act like a mature human being. Capiche! All this I'm doing to impress him too but still, he couldn't even say thanks when I showed him a heart-shaped sign the other night. The least he could do was just smile and not get all defensive about something so harmless. "Don't show that to me. Not me! Show it to your sweetheart. He'll appreciate it." My god, is he shitting me or what! Me, being the kind-hearted and easily hurt soul somehow somewhere between making fun of each other and laughing our heads of over the silliest things, fell for him, and that's bad.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovebirds!
Oh, and have fun sticking tongues down each other's throats too! -_-

2010-02-11T21:09:00.013+08:00

take a chance and be strong.

Here's the latest: Put on 2kg, for real, within the last 2 months and I'm not very pleased with my eating habits. I seriously have to stop snacking whenever I make myself skip a meal. See, this is why I hate being broke and have to refrain my sorry ass from dragging my feet out of the house. Not healthy and not helping, duhhh! But then again, I can still fit into all of my clothes. Even the size small ones. For now, I think, everything is still ok. Maybe.

3 weeks gone and I'm still boy-less! Like, omg brutal. How often does this happen to me, huh! Like, maybe never. Well, so much for shedding all the weight and trying my utmost best to be the funbag and at the same time maintain my sanity, but what have I achieved, like seriously? Nothing. Everyone thought I keep them in my pocket, like I keep loose change. But hell, that was never the case. I don't keep boys in my pocket. In fact, it's the opposite of that. Initially, that bothered me quite a lot, you know, to the extent that I tried to please them as much as I could so they would make me the special one instead of one of the many pennies in their pockets. But now I've learnt to get up and go, take a chance and be strong instead of wasting my time holding on. It takes a whole lot of courage not to look back and just move along. I'm not saying I've already aced the art of turning the other cheek on issues like this, but I'm really trying very hard to prove to myself that the number one ain't always as bad as we all imagine. I just need to put my head into it and hope it turns out ok at the end of the day. I have a sad life, I know. However, rest assured my body will mend.

Work is okay. Dateless at the moment but it's not really a problem though Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I'm dealing with the so called "on hiatus" mode very well. Who needs people like the kinda people who think you can never make it without them in your life! For fuck's sake, give me a break. I'm not even breaking right now. So maybe there are days when I do get a little deprived of just having a ball and just hanging out. But if I let something like that bother me too much then I will never achieve what I want to achieve in life; which is, well, yet to be discovered but I already have a few in mind and I haven't quite find a way to rectify it but I will because I want to and have to, period. 2 weeks to 22 and I'm not even excited like how it has always been before. Not because there's no one special around to sing me an awful birthday song, seriously. I'm more concerned about the difference I must make an effort to make this year round. I know we all don't wanna grow up but we all have to, someday. Maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally and psychologically. The fuck, I'm turning 22 in 2 weeks. Age is just a number, it's cool. WTF, MAJOR BREAKDOWN!

Muse, it's been weeks since I last felt you next to me. Even though you're gone and miles away, I still think about you every single day. I'm out here now on my own and even though I'm better now than I was before, I miss you, and I want you to know that when it comes to a broken heart, that has to hurt the worst. I'm breathing but I'm barely alive. Ever since you left, I've learnt to take it hard and just fall instead. Just when I thought everyone else I met before you were huge mistakes, you just had to prove to me that all men are the same. Oh well, time to have faith and restart all over again. Verdomme! -_-

2010-02-03T22:02:00.005+08:00

here's to my secret valentine(s):

when my world is falling apart
and when there's no light to break up the dark,
that's when i look at you.
when the waves are flooding the shore
and when i can't find my way home anymore,
that's when i look at you.

2010-01-31T19:15:00.013+08:00

Be the light that breaks up the dark.

What's new? Nothing. Well, the story of my life has been pretty much the same since the last couple of weeks but it only got worse a few days ago when it just hit me in the face, like real hard, that I'll have to live with 150 bucks for the next few weeks until next month's pay because my Mum's being very calculative lately and is asking me to pay her back for every single cent that I took from her in the period that I was broke from spending money foolishly. Oh well, wtf. The least I could do now is complain. Other than that, I ain't got no other choice but to sit at home. Like for an example, today. What a life, I know right! T_T

But truth be told, I missed LD so much even when we've been talking so much on Skype for the past few days and even on Msn. You know, it's like there's something about him that calms my heart and makes all my worries hide. I think I might have a minor crush on him maybe because he makes me very comfortable just being around him. I do know one thing: I don't have to hide my flaws when I'm with him. I can just pour out my feelings to him and feel good about it. But also, I'm not going to let my feelings get ahead of me this time because this one isn't going to work out any different either. This one, like the rest, appears like a dream to me and nothing more. That has always been the case with me. Like a miracle is ever gonna happen anytime soon. Well, ok. In my dreams, maybe. Pfft, cheap thrill! -.-

By the way, I already ditched Pops over the internet last night. Lame, right? I know. But the sooner the better. I don't wish to wait another 5 weeks to do so. Besides, the night I ditched him was the night I realized that I'm not afraid to be mean and bold and nasty. I'm usually very nice but I have tons of issues I have to deal with, and the more I delay in dealing with them, the more it adds up to my already piled up misery. I hate my life, not because of how it turns out to be but because it feels like I haven't done enough to make it any interesting. You know they say: Life's what you make of it. I've been too busy running around looking for nothing that I barely have the time to sit down and do some thinking about how I want my life to work out for me and how I want it to be. There's so many things to do, yet so little time. It sucks even more knowing that I have to face this all alone. Fuck, I miss LD. Fuck, I miss Pops. Aku confuse uh. I just want a heart that I can call home. It's been almost 6 months. Why is it so hard, still, to move on?

p.s, I want to go to +00131 to find my 8th world wonder!

2010-01-30T16:28:00.004+08:00

Spending the whole weekend at home this time round, and trust me, I am almost going bonkers! You know, I can't imagine the agonizing pain I have to go through from having to face my parents the whole of Saturday and Sunday. Obviously, it's not what I look forward to but since I'm almost effing broke at the moment I guess going out and spending the last few tens of dollars on god knows what is not exactly what I have in mind for now. I'm just going to spend the next few weeks at home and do nothing, which is not very exciting. Oh well, what the fuck. Does it look like I have an option? No. But still, why do I get a feeling that life will be really hard for the next couple of weeks? Fuck it. At least now I can make full use of Skype and watch a lot of tv and just be very lazy from all the relaxing on the couch. Besides, life has always been a bitch anyways. I won't die from the lack of fun. Maybe just a little deprived but I can take it. Nothing is fun when the only thing you hear in your mind is: A little bit longer and you'll be fine. Oh, trust me. Especially when your own flesh and blood doesn't even spare a thought for your feelings when you're at the lowest point of your life. Someone remind me, why is it that the lucky don't care at all? Big F.

p.s, I think ditching Pops was the smartest decision I've made so far. Kuddos! (:

2010-01-28T15:41:00.018+08:00

28.01.2010, KL836 to AMS @ 0140hours.

Just giving a shoutout to my 8th world wonder: The smell of your skin lingers on me now. You're probably on your flight back to your hometown. Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? When you're gone, I'm going to miss you like a child misses her blanket, but I've got to move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now and big girls shouldn't cry. Lots of hugs, and here's to a lasting long-distance friendship ahead. xo my secret valentine. Even if what we had didn't last for as long as we wished it could, you were the closest thing to cloud nine and you'll never be replaced, ever.

2010-01-14T17:58:00.006+08:00

and if you have to leave,
i wish that you would just leave.
just leave me alone.
you don't have to call anymore.
this is my last straw.

2010-01-13T17:55:00.006+08:00

POPS.

Well, as much as I hate to trick my poor little feelings of the fugly truth by constantly reminding myself every single minute of every single day that everything (including my sad life!) will be just fine as soon as Pops enters the departure gate on Friday, I guessed it right; my fragile heart knows me too well. Who am I kidding? I can lie to everyone else but I can never lie to myself, ever. For sure, my heart will fail me big time and I will cry myself to sleep like I've never cried myself to sleep before. It's not gonna be ok. It's never gonna be ok, hell no. Tell me, is it even human to feel like everything's gonna be okay as you watch the person who brings back meaning to your life leave you for two goddamn months, or God knows, maybe forever even if forever is overrated? That's just painful. Like, major ouch it's gonna hurt!

What if I don't get to see him again after that Friday night? What if I do, but not the same way as before as in how it is right now with all the xoxos? Fuck, it's already Wednesday. Even right now as I'm typing this, zillions of what if this and thats are running frantically through my mind. I can't be strong, not when I've already forgotten what pain feels like because I was busy having so much fun spending time with Pops. Why must good things come to an end? The fuck, it's not fair. If this is life, then I don't wanna live. I don't see a reason why God brought me into this world just to give me a hard time almost all the time. I am quite petite for someone who has taken way too many blows in life, period. Bullshit. I already feel like I'm in hell, only it's not so hot down here. I can take as many blows but this one really freaks the shit out of me big time. I've been going through one hell of a major breakdown since Sunday's so-called quiet time alone with Pops. It was really nice, what we shared over the weekend. It was, by far, one of the most awesome time ever spent with Pops. That should last for a while in my mind until he gets back, I hope.

I'm not in love, yet I feel like I'm about to lose the one person who means a lot to me right now. I am the saddest I've ever been since the last breakup. Having sleepless nights for nights already, eating quite a lot lately and unpredictable moodswings so often that I can't even remember when was the last time I had a good laugh over something so lame yet funny. I'm beginning to sense that the next few weeks will see a very depressed me. I don't know why I feel this way so suddenly. It is not as if he's my heart and soul or anything quite like that. Now, the main thing is to get my message across to Pops before I won't ever get a chance to say it. I know this sudden confession will make him run a thousand miles away from me as soon as I open my mouth but I've been holding back way too many thoughts which I thought he should know before he leaves. If I don't say it now, I'm afraid of living my life with this huge regret on my shoulder. I mean, so what if it is a mistake! At least it is an honest mistake. Brace up, little one. Let's do this! -.-

2010-01-09T20:02:00.008+08:00

Ok. 2010 didn't quite work out the way it should. The fuck, tell me why 2010 feels like same ol' 2009, will some please remind me again? Urgh. I hate this so much, it hurts. You know, most of the time I start of by setting my expectations quite low. But for an expectation so humble like mine, I think, to even rate the start of the year 2010 as fcuken awful wouldn't quite match even the lowest expectation I've ever imagined. The moment the lamest fireworks went off at midnight, a series of unfortunate event started happening. It just kept on happening, happening and happening like a broken tape recorder. The fuck, 2010 eh! -.-

Some were puking while some others were just busy having fun and while some others were creating a scene due to some unknown reasons or so it seems, I felt so out of place for a moment there. Not to mention, I was that sober enough to know how to stay away from the spotlight and all the dramas that were happening around me and behind me. I lost the camera with all the must-see pictures in it, but it wasn't even my fault. I was left to party on my own and though I didn't quite like it, I was glad I wasn't part of any of the not-needed dramas. I met a boy who I thought was cute and can dance very well but nope, not my type at all as of 48 hours ago. I almost cried as I looked up at the stars as I couldn't help but think of Pops and how nice it would be to have him around. I thought it was the perfect time for a confession so sinful, even the loud music couldn't get rid of it. I wanted to go home so badly when it was only 4am. I had to wait for 1 hour to get a cab. I spent close to 100 on cab fare to and fro. How's that for the start of 2010? Disaster eh! Just like the fireworks at Siloso beach. Capital PFFT.

That will have to be my last beach party, ever. But if AVB spins at this year's Zoukout, I am so there. I just don't think being stuck on an island with no place else to go when all else fails makes sense. I so vote for mainland party, period. At least I know if this club stinks, I can always go to another one and another one or another one. But lesson learnt. Never party without the usuals. I miss the usuals. I'm so missing out on all the great parties and attending the lame ones. But is it just me or have I lost the urge to party like an animal? I don't know. I miss Pops, major. He's leaving next week for 2 effing months and I'm kinda not taking it too well at the moment. I'm trying to stay as close as I can to him but it takes 2 hands to clap so, yeah. We'll see how things go. I'm so gonna get emotional over sappy love songs, again. Shite!

2010-01-02T23:37:00.008+08:00

I must not fall in love, not now.
fuck, it's only the beginning of 2010 eh! knnccb.

2009-12-31T18:46:00.011+08:00

Countdown-ing at Siloso beach party with bloodz later. Ok now, that's a first; partying with people I don't normally party with but what's a party without a group of crazy crowd, no? I'm sort of looking forward to it but I wouldn't say that I'm all enthusiastic about it at the moment. The thing is, I'm never a fan of beach parties because I hate to be seen in my bikini regardless of day or night. Well, that's just me. But hey, it's a party and a party should be fun. Plus, I love fun and I just bought a new bikini so... Fuck it. I'm just hoping the weather wouldn't ruin the whole event.

It's kinda sad for me, though, because the year 2009 doesn't spell fucking awesome but it did taught me a few things. Like, how to pick up the pieces of my life when all else failed after the most unreasonable breakup of 2009 and the feeling of living my life to the utmost fullest without a worry in the world if I do cross any restricted lines, it's all coming in handy now. I'm not saying I'm actually getting more wiser with each passing day but I can now say that I am much much more happier than I ever was and the funny thing is I never thought I could face this on my own but I did and I am proud of myself, fucking proud. I fucking wish him hell for the shit he did to me and to those who tried to mess with me, too.

Hoping tonight's party won't let me down. It's bad enough that I didn't get to buy my all time fave Baileys so, I'm probably gonna sulk a lot and will be feeling odd without it. There's also this small little problem as there won't be anyone to hold or make out with when the fireworks go off but hey it's all good, you know. My first countdown without a beloved, my first countdown at a beach party. I wouldn't dare ask for more. Sometimes, a little something different or a change is good. I mean, change is always good but it depends also on what kinda changes they are. So when fireworks go off, I will wish myself many happy returns in 2010. Besides, life's too short to worry. The good things in life come for free. I'm only 22 and I'm not about to act my age yet because I don't wanna grow old too fast. I do hope, though, to bump into Pops as it would just make 2010 a lot more meaningful to me. (:

Well, time to gear up for the party! We'll miss you 2009. Do visit me once in a while. 2009 ain't that bad. Life is indeed amazing, it's just that we humans tend not to look beyond what we've always believed in. Looking forward to 2010, sort of. Hoping for something good to happen like a relationship or more money and better luck next year. Hope to have fun later with the young ones. I fucking don't wanna end up with a hangover otherwise 2010 would start off on a bitter note and I quite don't want that. I love my life and I sure love the people who have always been with me and there for me throughout 2009, and to those who added colours in my life, I love you too. So long 2009!

2009-12-29T22:02:00.004+08:00

a stupid haircut to welcome 2010.
nice! not. bleargh bangs!